05.27.2010
it was the most painful day for us
my muder, my sister and i lost the only man in our lives
my fuder and muder
i terribly miss these moments
with my sister and fuder
05.27.2011
it's been a year since that day
nothing's changed
the pain is still the same
we terribly miss him
please allow me to share with you the blog i wrote for him few weeks after he's gone
♣
tatay... the man i miss so much
I have been planning to write something about my father but everytime, I always end up crying… It’s been over a month since that painful day and until this moment, the pain is still the same… I know I’m not helping myself by dwelling in sadness and embracing the pain. But I just couldn’t let go…because I don’t want to let go. And why am I doing this? Maybe because I want to preserve all my memories with him by writing so many things about him and how he was as a father to me.
My tatay was one of those fathers who chose to sacrifice their own happiness just to give their love ones a better life. Being away from your family is not easy and he left during our toddler years. They said I was only 2 years old when he worked abroad that’s why when he came back, I barely knew him. He was even wearing a mustache then that’s why it gave me another reason not to go near him. But even if he already shaved it, ayoko pa rin sumama sa kanya. Not that I was afraid of him but because he was a stranger to me back then. He even told me pa nga that there was one time that he joined me when I was alone in our room, I asked him daw who was his father. Sabi ko daw, “sinong tatay mo?” then he replied by saying it’s Tatay Ebo (my lolo). Then he asked me the same question. Sabi niya, “ikaw, sino ang tatay mo?” What I did daw was I left him in the room because I didn’t want to answer his question. It always made him smile everytime we talked about it. It was always like that until he had to go back abroad to work for another couple of years. When he went back, I was already 5 or 6 years old and I promised na sasama na ako sa kanya. So when he came home, kunwari I hugged him just to prove that I kept my promise. But he’d been very patient with me until finally, nakuha nya na ang loob ko. Since then, palagi na akong nakabuntot sa kanya. Gustung-gusto ko kapag isinasama nya ‘ko kahit saan sya pumunta. He always joked pa nga na my favorite dialogues were ‘Tay, sama ko!” or “Tay, penge pera!” He’s the type of a father who wouldn’t mind walking us to school and until now, I have this vivid memory of him when he was patiently waiting for us at the school gate because he brought us our lunch so we didn’t have to go home. One of my fondest memories of him is when he had to go to the rice mill. It was a long walk from home but he didn’t mind bringing me along. At first, I’ll walk with him but when I got tired, he would just simply carry me. But it was not the typical way of carrying a child because I was already 10 years old that time. What we’ll do is I’ll hang like a monkey in his strong arm and he would sway me while he walks and I always end up giggling and laughing. Those were the moments we both enjoyed doing. That’s why when his one arm got paralyzed last year, everytime I looked at it, it always made me want to cry because that arm once carried me and made me so happy.
Kung makalokohan man ako, I guess it’s something I got from my tatay. Growing up, I developed a habit of peeking in their room after I woke up. Kapag nakita ko na andun pa sila, pumapasok ako at sumisiksik ako sa bed nila. Either I’ll go back to sleep or makikipagkwentuhan lang ako sa kanila. Most of the time, he’d tickle me or my nanay so we’d get up and eat breakfast. One morning, when I entered their room, I wonder why he’s face was color blue. At first, I thought it was just because of morning sunlight rays so when I got near him to check it further, I saw that it’s a face of a zombie! I freaked out and went out of their room screaming and crying. I was really afraid when I heard him laughed. It was just a mask! Grrr!!! I was very young then and the mask looked real. He called me and took the mask off. He really had fun with his own prank. Right now, everytime I remember that incident, napapatawa pa rin ako. And about my habit, until now sumisilip pa rin ako sa room nila. Old habits die hard I guess…
They said my tatay was very strict but he’s not. He was a disciplinarian. My sister and I were not spared from his spanking as well. Just like ordinary kids, we used to do some naughty things and mischief. As a result, we used to end up at the sofa as if we’re in a court trial, trying to explain our side so he would know whether he’ll spank us or not and how many spanks we deserved. Unfortunately, most of the time mali talaga kami at kailangan naming dumapa para hintayin ‘yung palo ng belt nya. He also made sure that every spank was hard enough for us to learn our lesson so we won’t do it again next time. But after that, he also made sure that he’s also our caring tatay by explaining to us why he had to do that. I remember, there’s an instance before na mas marami ang palo ko kasi it was really my fault. It took me a long time to stop crying kasi masakit talaga ‘yung palo. What he did was he called me and let me sit on his lap and hug me. When it comes to spanking and disciplining us, he said that it would stop when we reached high school. So when my sister was already in high school and I was left in elementary, ako na lang ang napapalo. Even as a child, I was already naughty and impulsive that sometimes lead to doing things they told us not to do. As a result, punishment, meaning, belt. That time I thought it was very unfair. So when he was very mad of something I did, he called me and I know what that meant, kailangan ko dumapa. I was already in grade-6 then and feeling ko, there’s only one year left and I’m already in high school so baka pwedeng tawad na ‘yun. So, I was making a lot of excuses to avoid the situation but in the end, kailangan ko talaga dumapa. I know kung gaano kasakit ‘yung palo so what I did, I changed my walking shorts and wore my other shorts used in one of our school activities and put cardboard in it. He was already getting impatient when I went out of the room and I was really nervous if he found out what I did. So I went down the stairs slowly so he won’t notice the cardboard inside my shorts. After the usual rituals, he spanked me with his belt and I must say the cardboard was really effective and changing my shorts was another good idea because it’s thicker. Of course, I had to pretend that I was afraid and got hurt but then again, I’m not a good actress. He probably saw something with my look that made him suspect something wasn’t right. And because I didn’t want to push his limits, while smiling, I took out the cardboard from my shorts and showed it to him. What happened next? He laughed and shook his head as if saying naisahan ko sya. That was the last time he “spanked” me and until now, it never fails to make me smile everytime I remember that moment.
When I reached high school, I wasn’t the same kid as I was in elementary. I never did my home works nor studied for quizzes and long exams. I only studied during periodical or quarterly exams. But the worst thing I did was I didn’t do my project that lead to a 77 % grade in T.H.E. class during the 2nd quarter. Since I belonged to the star section, our class adviser asked me to bring my parent to get my report card so she’ll be able to discuss with them why I got that grade. She told my nanay that in spite of so many chances my teacher gave me, I still chose not to pass my project. Actually, I already finished that project and I can pass it anytime but the problem was I’m not happy with it. I was so stubborn (and still am), that’s the problem. When my tatay learned about it, he didn’t get mad but he wasn’t happy either. Well, I wasn’t proud either of what I did but that didn’t change anything during my high school days. I just chose to enjoy it and not to pressure myself academically. And I guess, my tatay allowed me to do the same.
During my college years, I must say that I became more focused in studying. I even joined quiz bees inside the school and competed with other schools. At first I wasn’t confident to join the contest but my tatay told me to try it first before giving up. It’s something I learned from him, not to give up without trying. And everytime I achieved something, whether in quiz bees or recognition days, he always made sure that I get a reward. I was glad because somehow I felt I made him so happy and proud.
In spite of what other people think of him as a very strict father, for me he’s cool. He would even call me before everytime Rafael Alunan III, Gilbert Remulla and Olsen Racela were on TV because he knew they’re my crushes. And when I first got into a relationship, he accepted it and even loved that person as his own eventhough we are no longer together right now. He got hurt not only because I got hurt but also because he felt that he also lost someone. During those moments, I tried so hard to hide what I felt but I guess he knew me too well that I was hurting so deeply back then. What he told my nanay was, “nasasaktan pala siya, bakit hindi niya ipinaglaban?” I know he didn’t want to see me that way so I promised myself that I’ll move on not only for myself but also for them.
I also remember him as a very protective father. A lot of people think that I was the favorite. Maybe because they didn’t understand how we were at home. Maybe because they didn’t see how I was to him and how he really was to me. He’s someone na pwede mong biruin. He’s someone na pwede mong kwentuhan. That’s one thing I really miss about him. He’s someone na ready makinig sa lahat ng kwento ko and ready tumawa kapag alam nya na tuwang-tuwa ako sa ikinukwento ko sa kanya. Pero kahit ganun, I know when he’s mad and when I have to be quiet. Even at this age, malaki pa rin ang takot ko sa kanya kapag alam kong galit siya. Maybe it’s one thing he knew about me that’s why kapag ako naman ang galit, he also knew when to call my attention about it. Some people thought na hindi ako pinapagalitan but they’re very wrong. Napapagalitan rin ako pero siguro I just knew when to stop and not to push his limits. I still remember ‘nung eighteenth birthday ko. I didn’t really want to have a big celebration and all I asked was just a scooter. He refused to grant my wish for two reasons. First, it’s not safe and second, he felt that I need to have a big celebration. I didn’t understand it at first until my nanay told me the real reason of my tatay. According to him, during my ate’s 18th birthday, most of his siblings volunteered to share something for the celebration. That time, I thought it was just normal because after a long time since my Ate Noreen’s debut, finally, someone will celebrate her 18th birthday in the family. I looked at it as excitement on their part. But my Tatay felt that my sister’s the favorite of my aunts and uncles and he was worried that none of them would volunteer to contribute something in my debut. Well, ‘yun lang naman ‘yung pakiramdam nya so to make sure that I would also feel special on that day, he made it a point to have a big celebration for me. Ganun siya ka-protective sa nararamdaman ko and everytime maaalala ko ‘yun, it never fails to bring tears in my eyes.
He’s also someone that I can share all my dreams with whether feasible or not. I learned from him that if you have to dream, then dream big. No one’s stopping us to dream and that it’s something free so why not make it big. Natatawa na lang sa’min ang nanay ko kapag nangangarap na kami ng tatay ko dahil imposible daw. Pero palagi siyang sinasabihan ng tatay ko na, “masasabi mo ba ang kapalaran ng tao, malay mo mangyari.” He’s someone who had full of dreams for us and he encouraged us to dream and never think that it won’t happen. He’s also my number one fan in my cooking. He’s always excited everytime I cook or bake something. Makikita mo siya na pabalik-balik sa kitchen and panay ang silip kung anuman ang niluluto ko. He knew that it’s my greatest dream to be a chef kaya naman he always tells me na pag-aaralin nya ko sa isang culinary arts school given the chance. Kahit nung time na mahina na siya, he never gave up on that dream. He told me that he would enroll me in a culinary arts school. And aside from that, ipapagamot daw niya ang mga mata ko para maging malinaw na ulit. Matutupad ko na daw ‘yung mga gusto kong gawin. Ang dami niyang pangarap para sa akin and kahit na hindi na nangyari ‘yun, I still feel blessed and grateful for that because it’s one of those things that always reminds me how much he loved me.
He’s very supportive as a father. Sinasamahan pa niya ako mag-apply sa Makati kapag may job interview and even in Brent, sinamahan niya talaga ako. Sometimes, even if he didn’t know the place, he’ll find a way to accompany me. He didn’t limit my boundaries. He allowed me to explore the things I wanted to do. My nanay had always been proud of me but I must say that my tatay was my number one cheerleader. He’s someone who would boost your self-esteem if he feels you’re losing it. If it has something to do with our future, he’s always there giving his 101% full support.
He’s a very caring father too. He’s someone who’d wake up so early in the morning just to prepare our breakfast. He’ll prepare my coffee ahead of time so that it’ll be ready to drink by the time I get up. He also knew that I love taho so much that’s why when I have no work he’d buy taho for me. He loves to pamper us in his own little but big ways. He knew that I have scoliosis so he always makes sure that hot water is already prepared before I take a bath. These are just some of the things that he loved doing for us. Though my nanay still does the same thing for us, I will forever miss my time alone with my father before my sister and nanay wake up.
When he got sick and very ill, I never saw him give up. Well, there were low times when he felt he won’t be here for long but he showed us his desire to live. Kaya naman I told myself, I won’t give him up. Even in times na mahirap na at hindi na kaya, dapat kayanin pa rin. I wanted to give him everything. It wasn’t an easy battle but I would say that it was a battle worth fighting for over and over again because it’s for someone you love very very much. There’s one time that I even told the Lord that kahit ako ang mauna kasi I can’t take it kapag kahit isa sa kanila ang nawala. During his last hours, I had the privilege to stay with him. I was very positive that he’ll pass that ordeal triumphantly just like what happened in the past. He was strong but not his heart. As the doctor explained to us how his heart was slowly deteriorating, I know it’s the truth I didn’t want to face. I can’t even pray because it was really hard at that time. All I said was no, ayoko, ayoko… He didn’t give up that easy. He fought until the very end. It took him three cardiac arrests until he finally gave up. He was gone. It was very hard and painful. Everytime I closed my eyes, all I saw was how he looked inside the ICU. That made me realized how hard he fought for his life. Awang-awa ako sa kanya… I embraced my tatay for the last time. They said that he could still hear us so I told him what I had to say. I didn’t want to leave. I just want to stay there with him and embrace him. I even told him to wake up. I wanted to embrace him as much as I can because I know, next time I’ll see him, he’ll never be the same…
Araw-araw kinukurot ko ang sarili ko hoping that it was all just a bad dream but everyday, I still wake up and he’s really gone. You can really never be ready when such things happen. It’s so sad that life has to go on kahit wala na siya. If only the world would stop from revolving until such time that I can already bear the pain.
And now, I wish he’s still here with us. Sana andyan pa rin siya para madinig nya ‘yung mga kwento ko. I wish he’s still here to try my new recipes. I have always dreamed that one day, I’ll get married and he’ll walk me down the aisle even if it came to a point where I have to push his wheelchair as long as he’s with me on that special occasion. I wouldn’t mind if I won’t be able to go to different places and buy things I wanted as long as he’s here. Even if it’s not an easy life because having him with us is and will always be the perfect life for us. He had his fair share of imperfections but he will always be the perfect father for us.
I love you so much ‘Tay. I’m still having a hard time accepting it but I promise you it won’t be for long. I know we made a deal but I’m sorry that I didn’t keep it and I know you understand. Mahal na mahal kita ‘Tay. I will miss you forever…
07.21.2010
♣
Tay,
now that you're in heaven, i hope that you're happy. please know that we love you so much and we won't forget you. you will forever live in our hearts and no one can take that away. there was never a day goes by that we don't think of you. your memory and love for us will always live in us.
i love you tay!
see you in heaven someday!
your forever bunso,
Lot
♥
